I Think I'm Dying

Aug 28, 2017
3 min read

Today I'm having an existential crisis.

Not in the way that you think I am. I'm not questioning how I exist and if I've waisted time. Just questioning why? Lately it seems that everything i've been doing to better myself has come back to rain trash on my life. My credit score? trash. My college grades? trash. My financial status? trash. My mental health? trash. My cute weave? now trash, didn't used to be a month ago though.

(Me trying to dodge what life is throwing)

It seems as if everything bad that could happen to me is happening right now and there's no way for me to stop things. I'm strapped down to a foldable plastic chair with duct tape watching myself in a car crash over and over and over again. Did that make sense? Like there's a car crash happening in front of me, but one of the drivers is me, and I can feel every bit of pain every time the car crashes.. over and over again.

Now that you've got that image in your head let's talk about something else!

I've recently been taking up a lot of projects, without really thinking about my schedule and the outcome of so many things being on my plate. For instance, I am a PR director for an on-campus Org and school has just started meaning it's recruitment SZN (ayyy, abbreviations! I'm so hip!). That being said I also have a radio show with my ex roommate this year, along with, you guessed it, ANOTHER radio show that i randomly decided that I needed? I honestly need to stop listening to 2 Dope Queens, they have me believing in my Black Girl Magic, which honestly has to chill because ain't nobody got time for no glitter and gold right now. So now I'm tackling school work, learning music, doing promotions for my Org, creating content for two radio shows, and GUESS WHAT SHANTAY, it's not over.. I went ahead and decided that I need a job on top of this. I actually didn't just decide.. I really did need a job lol. But, instead of going the traditional route of working in food service or an office.. I will be driving *drum roll please* a bus. Yup, a bus. And not a small bus... like the big city buses but for my campus. What a year it's already begun to be.

Speaking of year, you know how 2016 was supposedly a terrible year for everybody? Yeah um no. 2017 is my terrible year. From January... literally from the get go, I should've known that 2017 would turn around and cancel ME.

So many difficult things were coming at me from left and right I was supposed to sit there and take it, like God please come through. I thought by June I'd get a bit of a break. Guess what? didn't happen. I'm not going anywhere with this, by the way. In the words of Goddess Jemima Kirke, "I'm just a very dissatisfied person," and 2017 hasn't made it easier.

Although, I've been dealing with a lot personally, mentally, and emotionally, I can't help but feel this inkling of hope deep in my heart and I'm not sure where it's coming from because life has given me every reason to just give up.

That being said, I'm going to be fine. Don't worry, you're going to be fine too.

In the mean time, go catch up on Insecure and check back next week... Let's DISCUSS.