Self-Reflecting

Nov 6, 2017
5 min read

I always feel like my mind is moving at 100 mph while on the other hand, my body is moving at a solid 10 mph. I've always been the type of person to start projects and never finish them; most of the time I blame this on outside circumstances. I.e. Not enough funds, not enough ideas, and not enough time.

I realize that I don't give myself the chance to fail, or succeed for that matter. The minute I start a project and realize that not many people will find this project as beautiful or insightful as I find it, I decide that I too no longer find it beautiful or insightful. Even if it means something to me. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

For example..

I have a YouTube channel, where I used to post videos of me and my friends, videos of my covers, or simply just vlogs. I did this so I would have something to look back on when I was older, or at least something to show my kids as proof that their mother was "lit" back in the day. Only my close friends knew about it. Once I graduated high school I decided that I was going to put out more content that I knew would draw attention. I made it a goal to upload consistently for this reason exactly. I achieved my goal of gaining subscribers as well as viewers but then I started panicking, I wasn't sure what content people were expecting of me and I wanted to satisfy everyone. I wanted to put out a video that went along with the view of myself that I had. So I did. I uploaded a video that was different from the rest, it feature a poem I wrote as an ode to a song I really liked. I was proud of it until I realized that what it meant to me might not translate well to my viewers. I began to think that if no one found this video beautiful, then it didn't deserve to be out there in the world. I ended up putting this video on private.Which, by the way, is not a good way to deal with/think about yourself, your creations, or your art by the way.

"If you see beauty in something,

don't wait for others to agree."

Well when I woke up this morning, I began my day by scrolling through Instagram as one does. I stumbled upon this quote that stated, "If you see beauty in something, don't wait for others to agree." It is exactly what I needed to hear at this very moment in my life. For some reason, like many human beings, I like to go with the status quo. Whether it be subconsciously or not, it still occurs. Over the summer, I spent 3 months in New Hampshire surrounded by family and away from my friends. At the time, I felt very stuck and like I was missing out. Every time I'd check my friend's snapchat stories, I felt like I was on the outside looking in. Although I felt like this I couldn't help but feel a weird sense of freedom. This freedom came with my ability to be myself without fear of judgment. (This isn't to rag on my friends, they're amazing. This is a personal reflection of my feelings, and is in no way an insight into their real and loving personalities.) Those 3 months were probably the most outwardly expressive months of my life so far. I didn't care how I looked because these people were my family and they already knew who I was and there was no need for censoring myself when it came to who I am. I was my most authentic self. Quiet, joyful, and reflective when need be.

As soon as school started back up again, I immediately felt this lump in my throat because I knew that I would start to compare myself once again. I knew that I'd slowly but surely shut the real me out just to feel like I was a part of something. My opinions were no longer mine but echoes of what I had heard my friends say. This quote brought everything into perspective for me. For most of my life I've been putting people's opinions of me over my opinion of me. That specifically can put so much unnecessary pressure on one in addition to the pressures of life itself.

During my freshman year of college my English professor had us read an excerpt from something, I don't quite remember what but it must've been from Henry Thoreau's The Wilderness, or related. I'm not sure why but it still stands out to me after years. It basically states that all humans are in a race to acquire. Now, I know that can be interpreted in many different ways whether that be wealth, materialism or whatever. When I take this quote and apply it to my life specifically, I realize that I'm in a race to acquire validation, but I'm not racing anyone but myself so at the end of the day I'm just playing myself!

I've been realizing that whatever you put out, create, do, or say (unless racist, sexist, or homophobic) is valid. It is valid, and whether someone agrees with you or not, isn't your business and shouldn't dictate whether or not you continue to be true to yourself. I've realized that people can, will, and do have opinions of you that in no way can be of detriment to you if you yourself know who you are.

It's a complex concept for us to accept, mainly because we have the instinct to not standout because of how cruel humans can be. It's important to love yourself, to know yourself and to know yourself well because then and only then can you survive in this world. If you're a creator, artist, engineer or just human.. there are people out there with opinions about every decision in life that you're going to make. At the end of the day they're not living your life and therefore have no power over your destiny and truth so never take their negativity into account. Emphasis on negativity because if someone's giving you advice/critique, it might be helpful to listen considering that it could be of value to you in life. I say emphasis on "negativity" because if someone is being "honest" with you with malicious intent, swerve out of their way and let them to project their insecurities elsewhere.

Basically what I'm getting at is..

Be your own best friend. Separate yourself from other people's version of you. So long as you know who you are, no one in this world can tear your spirit down.

Oh, and my YouTube channel is "LifeWithLaurence".